Entry 0030: My Cellphone is a Stand Up Comedian


LP: Microphonies by Cabaret Voltaire

1984 Virgin Records CV 2

Favorite Track: Spies in the Wires


Here is another odd batch of text messages that tickle the pockets of my jeans until they puke up spare change. What follows is plenty of NSFW language and ideas. Spring is definitely in the air. Is the birds and the bees still a thing? Anyways, you can blame Miley Cyrus if you want, but that wouldn’t really be productive as the people writing these twisted messages are far older than she is. They are older than time itself…

PINEAPPLE: Blow off your condom boys. Let’s make a permanent mistake tonight!


KUMQUAT: The winds of the wastes smell like old blood and hog semen. Sunday 1 pm.


PINEAPPLE: Sweet! Track them down and beat them with a panty hose full of whale piss. Or thank them.


CHEESE: I’ll likely come over at 8 unless STRAWBERRY magically doesn’t have to work because then I’m going to do kinky stuff to him.


YAM: Ooooh the old arm touch. I did that tonight and then later I got to makeout.


PINEAPPLE: Best idea ever: 2 young girls manning a chocolate milk booth called 2 Girls, 1 Cup.

YAM: Oh wow cool kid must be awesome anal sex all around.


PINEAPPLE: I woke up this morning with this song stuck in my head: “Your panties, your panties, your panties are soaked in the brine of my love.”

BEETS: That’s pretty good, actually.

PINEAPPLE: Do you ever pronounce the classical music composer Debussy as De pussy?

BEETS: I don’t often say Debussy and no, I never have.

PINEAPPLE: That is a shame. De pussy is all up in this mansion, trilling your G chord with this 8 octave scale.


LIME: Is your landlord’s name LEMON?


LIME: I met him doing laundry. They just sprayed your place for bugs. As far as he knows, you and I are going steady! Heyyy! Make sex noises tonight!


YAM: Oh wow cool kid must be awesome anal sex all around.


YAM: Also if you ever see that girl in person you should poop on her shoes.


PINEAPPLE: Ahh serendipity hit me in my tighthole.

YAM: How’s that?


PINEAPPLE: That game is going to be so fun. I should have gone but I am in deadly combat with egg yolk now.

Many hours later

GRAPES: Wait what?


GRAPES: Is there any chance the shoes that the brunette left at your apartment are a ladies’ size 10? They were kind of cute.


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