Entry 0058: The Mating Ritual of Ideas


LP: Destiny Street by Richard Hell & the Voidoids

2001 Get Hip Recordings GH-1102

Favorite Track: Downtown at Dawn

Falstaff leapt out of the book and told me: “Take a wife and spank her twice. Once to be naughty and once to be nice.”

I shook my head at the rotund figure before me. That’s the last time I eat paprika before bed, I said to myself. Falstaff must have heard my thoughts though because his nose broke off and became a swallow climbing to the heights of clouds. The rest of him mutated into a ghast, wailing how unfair it is to die off stage.

At least I was late for my date. I made it worse by having difficulty parking my dragon. Rapid Peppermint had clockwork eyes so, some day, I may have to spring for a spanner and give myself an extra hour of sleep. The food was warm and prechewed–the restaurant’s new chef screamed rage boners while he cooked which resulted in him tasting all his food. Rapid fidgeted in her seat, alerting me to her sense of uneasiness with her thoughts.

So it has come to breaking up and death. I figured this would happen in our afterlife but maybe it would be a good thing to get it over with at the present. The sugar in my bloodstream was at an all time high. I could fertilize a whole city park the way I was feeling after Falstaff visited me. His words smelled of strong mead.

“Logic is drinkable,” I told Rapid. Suddenly, I realized that she looked like Lara Logic and I was imitating a Voidoid. No wonder she was explaining the Four Noble Truths with her abacus. Did she have a little sugar in her? Wouldn’t put it past that Falstaff to get in de foot and de count. He showed me his Tinder account right before he stepped back into the book and all Henry the VIII’s wives were smiling to the right.

Rapid said, “I think I might be married.”

Out goes the pepper water from my mouth back to the air and further back into the chef’s armpits. “I thought a pill took you every morning to stop that.”

I meant to say that as a question but it came out accusatory. Don’t blame me, I still had pepper on my tongue.

“Why don’t you get up at five every morning and crawl into that pill, get shook up, and have all your bacon fall out! You are so damned sensitive,” Rapid huffed, “I’m married and now we have to do something about it.”

Now it was she not asking questions but I was rude enough to put that behind me.

“I’d say it was your body, but you are just a dream fragment so you are really just an incredibly tiny piece of someone else’s body.”

“Are you objecting me? I’m immaterial. I’m a concept.”

“Abstractly my point.”

“You still haven’t said if you are aloof to this marriage.”

“Is it too soon to know if it is a tiger or a tomcat?”

Rapid clocked an eye, “You’ve been hanging around that Falstaff again, haven’t you? I told you he was a mice guy.”

“It can’t be too bad either way. We’ll get a lot of government crackers.”

I ordered another flask of staples. They say dreams control you life so you might as well just float in them. But I felt like fixing them in place like lily pads. Once in a while, I have to get up and walk around. Remember reality is false.

“Where are you going?” Rapid pulled me back into the seat. Our knees touched and I remembered the night three week’s ago that lead to this marriage. I hoped Falstaff wasn’t peeking from that book. I really should remove it to the bathroom.

“My apologizes. I listened to gravity again. Look marriage is like postage stamps: you licked them and you stick them and then you mail them away. We used to write each other a lot of letters. We can do this.”

Rapid picked up her fork, “I am married to an imbecile.”

But she said nothing more about it that day and nine months later, we delivered a truck. I didn’t see much of Falstaff after that, but I took his advice…

…but made all the spankings nice.


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